[NSFW] STUPID MONSTER SEXPOCALYPSES

[cawnviction]

HERE IS CROW, WHO YOU APPARENTLY WANT TO BANG FOR SOME REASON. WITH ALL YOUR ADDITIONAL APPENDAGES/POWERS, HOW WRONG CAN IT GO?

Also general gore warning on top of the NSFW warning because this is all about Bad Monster Ideas.

If you want to play it out monster sex going wrong, but not in a public manner, please post a blank comment and I'll screen it, which will cause the rest of the thread to be screened.


Things that have Gone Wrong (including threads in other peoples' museboxes):
- Crow getting his dick stuck in holes that are too small and rigid
- Crow literally breaking someone's ass
- Condoms and the equivalent of blood getting stuck inside Crow's genital slit
- Crow getting his mouth burned and ice cream stuck in the lower jaw of his whale mask
- Crow getting his tail burned
- Crow getting his dick ripped off (blowjobs going wrong in the worst way) before getting killed
- Crow killing someone via blowjob
- Crow getting a too hot dick up his ass

Comments

gestures vaguely THERE WAS AN ATTEMPT

[engage_the_enemy]

[If you told Shulk he'd be trying to kiss a whale man, he wouldn't have believed you.

Of course, now that he's here, he has no idea what to do. It's as if the fog god did everything in her power to make this as inconvenient and awkward as possible right from the start. He's sorry about your everything, Crow.

He's got the mer's head in his hands, and...how. How does anyone get around this mask. The harpy's just gonna angle the mer's head this way and that while he tries to figure it out. Surely Crow's neck appreciates the gesture.]

Is there a trick to this? Should I...do something else?

[cawnviction]

[Okay, watching people's bafflement trying to navigate his face is always funny. But this is ridiculous and no, Crow's neck absolutely does not appreciate the gesture. Crow rolls his eyes.]

The trick is to just shove your face in.

[Crow's hands slide down the back of Shulk's pants, resting on the back of his thighs. Man, so many feathers. How's he supposed to find anything under all that later?]

But it wouldn't be a good idea to kiss me on the mouth, anyway.

[engage_the_enemy]

Why not?

[Shulk says, bemused, leaning back to regard Crow curiously.

He's not so sure about just...shoving his face in there either, moving to trace the jagged bumps of the mask's teeth. Those weren't blunt, were they? Was that why? His hand stops to rest on Crow's jaw. Whale skin feels...weird.

And if there's any muscle on his thighs, it's definitely muted by the feather fluff. Gonna take some navigating, Crow.]

I'll admit you've made it a challenge. Not on purpose, I know.

[Perhaps the fog god and Tikbalang have a similar sense of humor. A conspiracy?!]

[cawnviction]

[Crow tilts his head obligingly. Feels kinda weird to have Shulk touching his mask's teeth, but it's not like there's any nerves there. They're sharp, though not as sharp as the teeth in his human mouth. And by whale skin feeling weird Shulk totally means smooth and rubbery, right?]

Hah. You think it's the mask that's the problem? [Crow's pretty much playing with Shulk's tail feathers now, fluffing them out.] People die when I kiss them back.

[Oops was that a boner killer?]

[engage_the_enemy]

[No, it's definitely weird! Smooth and rubbery is kind of a new sensation when you're touching a person. Although if Shulk had experience with anything else, it would be the least weird. Maybe the nicest, barring fur.

Shulk hums, fanning his tail feathers helpfully because that feels nice. Chokes in the next breath, because excuse you? He's leaning so far back now and looking at you super distrustfully, Crow.

Here lies any boners in the room.]

W-what? Are you...poisonous? Venomous?

[It's either the saliva, or he bites people and that does it. Shulk wrinkles his nose. Crow's mouth isn't that gross, is it?]

[cawnviction]

[Hey!!! He wasn't done fluffing yet! ):

Crow sighs and leans back on his hands, legs crossed.]

Hell no! I mean. Yeah I am on the arms [Which had been halfway down Shulk's pants earlier oops.] but that's not deadly or anything.

[Crow actually looks away, briefly, somewhat self-conscious.]

When I kiss people back I drain them. Sometimes I can stop it early, but it messes up the other person bad. [He returns his gaze to Shulk.] So I don't. There's no point if it gets people hurt.

[engage_the_enemy]

[Hey, you can still fluff! Or smooth out any kinks in the barbs. Shulk can't really get to his tail feathers himself, it'd be nice.

Which is why he's disappointed when Crow removes his hands. That almost changes again, but oh, good. At least Crow's not going to accidentally poison him. He eyes those spines warily.

He's in the middle of judging them, stopping to look at Crow in surprise when he finally explains.]

...Oh. Sorry, I didn't know.

[Murder really is a mood killer.

Or it could be, but he won't let it! Instead, Shulk moves closer, putting a hand on Crow's knee.]

Um, that's okay though. Kisses don't have to be on the mouth.

[Which is totally an opening for some lewd joke, but Shulk punctuates his point by leaning forward to kiss the snout of Crow's mask.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow's arm fins are still all folded up. See? Nothing to worry about!

When Shulk leans forward, Crow rests a hand on the small of his back. Bleh, just on the snout? The mask isn't particularly sensitive.]

Only there?

[His other hand starts at Shulk's neck and runs down the length of Shulk's body, fingers sliding beneath feathers, before resting low on Shulk's abdomen. His fingers briefly dip below the waistline of Shulk's pants. Lucky for him that Shulk already runs around shirtless, isn't it?]

Got my hopes up for nothing!

[engage_the_enemy]

[That doesn't mean they can't unfurl and wreak havoc! Shulk won't be touching them on purpose, that much is certain.

And hey, he's learning! He nearly argues, but is stilled by the hand at his back and left speechless as Crow's other hand trail down his neck and along his torso. That sigh and shiver, however, probably give him away, though he clamps his mouth shut and shoves at Crow's chest with a hand. Rude!]

O-of course not! I'm just...getting started.

[Right.

Shulk inches closer, his cheek against Crow's mask as he presses a kiss to the mer's ear, then his jaw, before brushing his lips experimentally over the gills on Crow's neck. You know, for science.]

[intercalaryninja]

[Holy shit he's fucking legal now.

And holy shit, he kind of wants to bang Crow of all people. The alternate dimension counterpart of the guy whose best friend is an insult to his clan and yet somehow respectable. Tsukikage wonders how his life choices has amounted to this before he decides that it's probably best not to think about this in too much detail.

Eight eyes stare at Crow, blinking out of time to one another, as the arachne crosses his four arms, trying to figure out how on earth he should... start.]

. . .

I suppose the first thing I should formally ask is whether you prefer to top or not.

[... Way to set the mood, you monotone, apocalypse of limbs.]

[cawnviction]

[Being solicited for sex by Tsukikage wasn't exactly something he'd expected. Actually isn't that what female ninjas did before they assassinated their targets!?

That said, Crow can't think of a reason for Tsukikage to off him and if the guy wants to explore his carnal side with someone he trusts, well, who's Crow to refuse? Especially since the guy is old enough to make his own choices and not land Crow in jail in the process. Which is how they end up in a cheap inn, he supposes.]

Hey, I like both. Why restrict myself to just one?

[But he steps forward, right into Tsukikage's personal bubble and looks up at him, hands on his hips.]

This your first time?

[intercalaryninja]

[Tsukikage scratches the back of his head and wonders if he really should just turn around and leave. He's not trying to kill Crow, but knowing the other classes in the Fuuma Duel School... he really feels like he is.

But he's not. He keeps having to remind himself that. He even made sure he had a proper dinner before meeting him here, in the large bedroom.]

... Yes. It is not exactly... encouraged for us of the Fuuma Clan to do such thing.

[So yes he's got the guilty look in all eight of his eyes.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow reaches up -- man, ever since he became an arachne, Tsukikage's become even more obnoxiously tall -- to put his hands on Tsukikage's shoulders to reassure him.]

The whole idea is to enjoy yourself. Can't do that if you feel ashamed about it. [Crow gives Tsukikage a sidelong look.] Besides, I'm not much more experienced.

[The last time had been a few years ago and Crow had spent most of it crying into a stranger's chest. Tsukikage really wouldn't have to try very hard to make this a better experience than that. Crow slides his hands from down Tsukikage's shoulders, twining his fingers between one pair of Tsukikage's hands.]

So let's take it easy. If you're uncomfortable at any point, let me know and I'll stop what I'm doing. And if there's anything you want to try, I'm all ears.

[intercalaryninja]

{He bends his knees so it's easier for Crow to hold him. It looks dumb from an outsider's perspective, but it helps with the moment they're sharing.]

... Right.

[He squeezes the merman's hand back and gives a nod of affirmation. He can do this. He's determined to.]

. . . You're alright not seeing my face though, right?

[Because a lot of people do actually think it's rude for their partners to cover their faces, funnily enough. Unless you're into that, but that's another story.]

[cawnviction]

[Well, it's not like there's anyone else watching, right? Crow's tail curls behind him, head tilting in a bird-like manner. Uh, that's a kind of weird request but then again, Tsukikage's always been kind of weird about exposing his face for as long as Crow's known him.]

Right. Ninja secret.

[The corner of Crow's mouth curls in amusement before he shrugs.]

If you don't want to show it, that's fine.

[intercalaryninja]

[Well, it is the principle, but along with discipline, embarrassment does play a role in it. After all, there's such secrecy around his face, he's sure it's not going to live up to any expectations that anyone has for him. (It's a childish thought, but one he holds all the same.)]

You have my thanks.

. . .

That's my only request. I'll... make it up to you however you want, Crow-san.

[Shirt's coming off. Someone teach this boy like... foreplay or something. He's not exactly romantic.]

[cawnviction]

[Romance? Pft. Crow grins, hands helping Tsukikage out of his clothes. Or at least, attempting to. Undoing belts worn by other people is still an art he hasn't yet mastered.]

So what I'm hearing is, "Crow-sama, please have your way with me!"

[Do you regret your choice in partner yet, Tsukikage?]

Is that what you want?

Feel free to change style if necessary

[chosennobody]

Sex. That sure was a seemingly innocent word that Roxas wanted to explore. After several conversations, the harpy had made his way to the library to read on the subject of sex and sexuality, but reading was very... safe. He wanted to try what he'd read about. He had also read that it should be with someone you trust. So, here he was, at Crow's, debating how to word this question.

"I wanted to ask you something," he ventured, eyes anywhere but on the mer. Why was this so difficult? And why had he never heard anything about sex before coming here to Ryslig? The books made it seem so normal...

"I want to have sex," he finally blurted out, forcing himself to look his friend in the eyes. Every action with conviction, after all.

nah easier to tag on the phone this way

[cawnviction]

When Crow opened his door to Roxas and let him inside to talk, that would have been one of the last things he'd expected to come out of Roxas' mouth.

"Uh," he says, very eloquently.

Crow blinks, bewildered. Give him a second, because that question totally blindsided him. Okay. Right.

"What prompted this?" Crow's expression shifts back into his usual smile. "Do you have someone you like? Need help getting them in the sack? Is that why you're asking?"

[chosennobody]

A frustrated huff blew from his mouth. "No, I was asking you because I trust you. That's what the books said to do..." Wow he probably sounded incredibly desperate right now, taking instructions from a book on something like this. But life didn't come with an instruction manual, so what was he supposed to do exactly?

"I want to have sex... with you," he clarified, forcing his nerves down, though he'd averted his eyes once more. His hands were clenched at his sides, claws tapping nervously at his palms. "Because I trust you."

[cawnviction]

...Oh.

Crow scratches the back of his head. He's not uncomfortable per se, but it sure is completely out of left field.

"Not something I thought I'd be hearing when I opened the door tonight." Crow lets out an amused huff, hands going to his hips. "So you're curious and want to try things. I don't have a problem with it. Buuut..." Crow gives Roxas a look up and down, the ridge over one of his eyes rising. "Did you bring any protection?"

[chosennobody]

As much as Roxas wants to apologize for putting Crow in this position, he pushes that urge down. This was something he wanted, and he wouldn't do Crow the disservice of wembling about it. Besides, it didn't seem like Crow was going to be backing down, so why should Roxas?

"Protection?" He asked blankly, not because he didn't know what it was, but because he didn't see why they would need that. "I don't think you can get me pregnant." That's what protection was for, according to the books. Roxas was male, Crow was male. What was the worry?

[cawnviction]

Crow makes a Face at that. Man, who's in charge of the sex ed for all these guys? He thought Naomi took care of that! But this isn't the first time he's had to deal with a guy wanting to have sex with him thinking protection is only for pregnancies. Crow gets the sinking feeling it isn't going to be the last, either...

He shakes his head. "Protection's also for preventing diseases that are spread through sex."

Crow lets out a sigh. Sure he's been sleeping around, but on others' invitation, so he never had to bring any of his own. They're gonna have to make a trip to the shops, aren't they?

"Did you bring lube as well?"

May as well figure out if they need to buy that, too.

[chosennobody]

Unfortunately for Crow and Roxas both, the book had very little to say on same-sex relations. It had focused solely on opposite-sex couplings, and even then they were human only. Not that any of this had occurred to Roxas. What could the difference possibly be? Two bodies, one goal. What did it matter what they had in their pants?

Well, a lot, apparently.

"I'm not diseased." The harpy huffed in annoyance at all the questions. It was time to take matters into his own claws. Taking a deep breath to reset himself, he took a few steps closer to Crow, smiling innocently.

"We don't need all of that stuff," he cooed, voice taking on a very different pitch and tone with some soft undertones. "Let's just do it. I trust you, Crow." As he spoke, he lifted a wing to caress Crow's cheek with the back of a claw, looking him in the eyes to make sure he had his full attention.

[cawnviction]

"But--"

Why is not having protection or lube a problem? Crow can't remember the reason, especially when Roxas runs a claw down his cheek, and coherent thought flies out the window.

Crow visibly swallows, mouth opening and closing a few times as he tries to say something in protest and fails. He tries to look away, but he can't, caught under Roxas' thrall.

"I." A small part of him is still resisting the charming, banging on the wall in his mind in an attempt to be heard. "Something's not... right..."