[NSFW] STUPID MONSTER SEXPOCALYPSES

[cawnviction]

HERE IS CROW, WHO YOU APPARENTLY WANT TO BANG FOR SOME REASON. WITH ALL YOUR ADDITIONAL APPENDAGES/POWERS, HOW WRONG CAN IT GO?

Also general gore warning on top of the NSFW warning because this is all about Bad Monster Ideas.

If you want to play it out monster sex going wrong, but not in a public manner, please post a blank comment and I'll screen it, which will cause the rest of the thread to be screened.


Things that have Gone Wrong (including threads in other peoples' museboxes):
- Crow getting his dick stuck in holes that are too small and rigid
- Crow literally breaking someone's ass
- Condoms and the equivalent of blood getting stuck inside Crow's genital slit
- Crow getting his mouth burned and ice cream stuck in the lower jaw of his whale mask
- Crow getting his tail burned
- Crow getting his dick ripped off (blowjobs going wrong in the worst way) before getting killed
- Crow killing someone via blowjob
- Crow getting a too hot dick up his ass

Comments

[cawnviction]

[Crow hums, a hand sliding up Tsukikage's back while he begins to slowly grind his hips up against the arachne, the other hand still stroking a pedipalp.]

Hm, hard to tell. It's been a while.

[Crow's tail is arching up at the base, curling at the tip. As Tsukikage works on Crow's pants, it's increasingly obvious Crow doesn't seem to have a penis.

...Which probably isn't that surprising, when Tsukikage's seen him transform from water to land, where Crow never wore pants to the occasion. But there is a long slit running from below his belly button down between his legs.]

[intercalaryninja]

[Tsukikage breathes deeply, the bulbs bulging even more that they were before from the sensation. It's as close as Tsukikage can get to erect in this form, but it feels really good.]

Do you think you can take me? Physically?

[Tsukikage asks tamely as he pulls off the pants, one pair of arms neatly folding it before he puts it aside because he's pedantic like that.]

[cawnviction]

[As Tsukikage pulls off Crow's pants, Crow obligingly helps in the task by pulling his legs and tail out of them.]

If you're worried about me not having the equipment...

[Crow makes a grab for one of Tsukikage's hands to place it directly on his own crotch, intending to guide Tsukikage's fingers into his genital slit. There is definitely something in there.]

[intercalaryninja]

[As long as it's not the hands that's making sure their clothes aren't crumpled for the next day, Tsukikage doesn't mind him being grabbed. That is until he suddenly feels where exactly Crow has guided him. He looks at the merman and pauses, before smirking slightly. ]

I was. But I'm sure it's up to Standard.

[Or synchro. Whatever joke is there. Tsukikage slips his fingers in, rubbing the dormant cock with the flat of his nails, the long, strong digits slowly pumping the man.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow gives Tsukikage a flat stare. Really? Really?]

You did not just make a stupid punnnghh--

[His sentence is cut off by an indiscreet moan when Tsukikage's hand wraps around him. Crow's hands reflexively go for the shoulders of Tsukikage's lower shoulders, his blunt, nailess fingers digging in hard as he rolls his hips up against Tsukikage's hand. It's not difficult to coax out Crow's cock, a slightly longer than usual penis that's thick at the base and narrower at the tip.

A little breathless, he says--]

Did you bring condoms?

[Because Crow sure as hell hadn't been expecting to get any.]

[intercalaryninja]

[Tsukikage just gives him a smug look back as he continues playing at the cock, slicking it down with his hands as it comes out. It's... an interesting shape. Very interesting.]

I wasn't sure of your size.

[But he gestures to his backmost legs where he has small leather pouches, used to store all his things. Tsukikage had gone shopping and just had gotten one of each size. There's probably some monster condoms for your magnum dong or something Crow.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow peers at the pouches, though it's kind of hard to concentrate while Tsukikage's giving him one hell of a handjob. Damn ninja hands or something.]

Just get me a large.

[It's not like the size of the things actually vary as much as they're marketed. Honestly, Crow preferred it when his dick wasn't this bloody big. Tsukikage's the one with multiple arms, he can multitask and do all the fetching!

Crow's hands are back to Tsukikage's pedipalps, stroking them and guiding one of them towards his cock.]

You brought lube as well, right?

[intercalaryninja]

[Tsukikage is fine with that. He balances on seven legs, drags the eight forward and picks one out with his arms with minimal searching, though he does slow down his touches as he digs through the pouches. Then he switches legs, trying to find the lube in the other pouch. His hands present the two items.]

I made sure I was prepared.

[He even did research for safety, just to make sure. It's all still new to him, but it helped him with his nerves at the time.]

[cawnviction]

[On account on not having multiple arms, Crow's forced to stop feeling Tsukikage up in order to take the two items.]

Awesome. 'Cause I sure as hell wasn't expecting to get laid tonight. Haven't, for ages.

[Which might explain why they've skipped a whole lot of foreplay. Then again, his nickname's Crow the Bullet, not Crow the slow fuck, so maybe not getting laid in a long time actually doesn't have anything to do with it.

He turns his head towards the bed.]

You'd be more comfortable on that.

[Probably. But the real reason for the suggestion is that Crow has absolutely no idea where he's supposed to be sticking his dick in under all those legs, so at least if Tsukikage's on the bed it'll be easier to figure out. He hopes, anyway.]

[intercalaryninja]

[Tsukikage is going to show how having a spine for your torso, and a chitin exoskeleton combines together to defy physics. Tsukikage climbs onto the bed and then he stretches forward, making his spine line up with his abdomen. He uses his legs to push himself onto his back, revealing the gross and unappealing segmented underside of a spider. On the second segment of the opisthosoma was a small opening, the one that the pedipalps were looking for earlier.]

... This... isn't uncomfortable, but I feel very... far.

[Considering how long his body is stretched out, anyway.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow just kind of... watches in mild fascination that's accompanied by a voice making horrified noises in the back of his mind. Only now does it really click in his brain that yes, he really is about to bone a spider.

The Fog God really has made deviants of them all.

It takes a moment for him to register that Tsukikage's talking to him.]

Uh.

[Crow doesn't think there's really a guide readily available for banging spiders. Give him a moment.]

How 'bout sliding down the bed a bit? Let your human back lie on the bed and your spider body hang off the edge.

[He figures Tsukikage's legs should be able to support his spider abdomen. Otherwise, Crow can hold him up.]

[intercalaryninja]

[. . . Tsukikage is thankful for the mask. He feels embarrassed, lying out like this and looking at Crow awkwardly try to make sense of all of... well... him. He's more than ready to give him a moment and he slides down, easily able to hang off the bed, making it look significantly less weird.

His legs twist at an awkward angle and he tries to steady himself. They're able to support, sure, but whether its nerves or just the fact he hasn't tried to support himself like this makes him quiver a little.]

Better?

[cawnviction]

[While Tsukikage is moving around, Crow's taking out the bottle of lube and one of the condoms, though he doesn't open the latter just yet.]

Yeah.

[Crow crouches down to better examine the underside of Tsukikage's spider body, one arm curling around to support some of its weight.

Um... Is it just him, or does that hole look like it's... not fleshy? Crow glances up at Tsukikage from between all his legs.]

Tell me if you feel any pain.

[Slicking his fingers with lube, Crow slides a finger in, keeping an eye on Tsukikage's reaction.]

[intercalaryninja]

[He does like the extra support. It's nice, and comforting in a way. He feels a bit more certain that he can do this...

...And considering he lacks any flesh below the hips, yes, yes it does look like it's very sturdy.]

I will...

[Mmm... well at least it feels good. He moans and blushes furiously, as if it was a sin to make such a noise.]

[cawnviction]

[Wow, really letting loose, huh? Kind of surprising, but also pretty gratifying.

...Okay but he's still kind of worried about the fact that the ridge around Tsukikage's spider hole is hard and rigid. Would he even fit? It's not like a human butt, which can stretch around him. No, this is like sticking his dick into a table with a hole in it.

Honestly that sounds pretty unpleasant.

Crow slides a second finger in, feeling around the edges of Tsukikage's gonopore before curling his fingers and stroking.]

[intercalaryninja]

[There's a limit to his self-control, and asking for this in the first place is already letting loose. The man closes his eyes, breathing quietly as he grips the bedspread, not realising what problem Crow was encountering. He just squirms, the last two joints in his legs curling up, and then relaxing as Crow cntinues.]

The insides were soft and squishy thankfully, and once you get through the hard ring, it's warm and pleasant. However, there's no give to the hard, spider hole.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow continues to stroke Tsukikage as he considers his options. He could just... not... put it in. But honestly, watching Tsukikage squirm on the bed, barely in control of himself, that's pretty hot. And with both his hands preoccupied, it's left Crow's erection aching to be touched... or to be in something.

Mmmmmmmaybe Tsukikage's spider hole would be like a cock ring?

At this point, Crow just wants to throw his hands up in the air and say "fuck it".

Which, incidentally, is what he plans on doing.

There's some rustling as Crow removes his fingers from inside Tsukikage so he can tear -- with some difficulty thanks to the lube -- open the condom packet and roll the sheath over his erection. It fits thankfully.]

Alright.

[Crow slicks lube over his condom covered penis before reapplying more to Tsukikage, fingers stroking him again. Is this too much lube? Hell if he knows. Better to have more than less in this case, probably.]

Are you ready? I'll take it slow. If you find it painful, tell me and I'll stop. [Crow curls his fingers.] Just relax.

[Does Tsukikage relaxing actually matter in this case? He's gonna have a hard ring around his hole regardless of whether he's relaxed or tense! Crow's not neverous about this. Nope, not at all.]

[intercalaryninja]

[Well he has more than enough hands plus a mouth. If they position themselves properly, they could probably work something out but- oh? He's going fuck it? Sure, that works too.

Once the fingers have been removed, Tsukikage takes the opportunity to relax, to take a deep breath in and then out. He looks over to the merman, more than a little intimidated at the prospect of having such a huge cock inside him. He's eager for it though. It's evident in at least a couple of his eyes, at the ones that aren't glancing to the window and contemplating jumping out of it.

Well he never seriously contemplates it, mostly because the cold, slick fingers are inside him again and he melts at the touch. He moans quietly, sounds muffled in his cowl.]

I'm ready... Go ahead...

[Yeah his hole is screwed and not in the good way.]

[cawnviction]

[With that consent, Crow withdraws his fingers and uses his hand to guide his cock into Tsukikage. It's a bit uncomfortable pushing past the chitinous ring, but the lube and the condom makes it easier. And that tight sensation around his dick, Crow lets slip a pleased noise from the back of his throat.

It's a bit of a squeeze to push himself in deeper, but that's normal, right? Except... When Crow tries to pull back in order to begin thrusting into Tsukikage, he finds himself... stuck.

...Oh no.]

Crap.

[Looking at Crow right now would see him with his brows pulled together into a deep, frustrated frown, shark teeth biting down on his lip, drawing blood with every wince as he tries and fails to pull out. It really hurts!

THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.]

[intercalaryninja]

[Penetration was great. Tsukikage's eyes kind of spaz out as he enjoys the nerves being pressed, sending something warm and comforting through his entire body. He moans, his hands dropping and gripping the blanket underneath him.

Of course, naturally, all goes wrong far too quickly. When the man tries to pull himself off, Tsukikage feels his hips lift off the bed. He tries to push himself back down, so Crow can part, but then suddenly he realises the same thing that Crow has.]

Hrkkk... A-ahhh... Oh dear...

[ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! Tsukikage tries to push his hips down again... still stuck. CRAP.]

[cawnviction]

[Oh no. Don't panic, spider ninja--! Crow cringes, the lubed hand reflexively going to brace himself on the edge of the bed as he squeezes his eyes shut from the renewed agony in his lower body when Tsukikage tries to pull away.]

Calm down and stay still, damn it! Don't freak out.

[Deep breaths deep breaths.]

We can figure this out.

[intercalaryninja]

[Tsukikage quickly snatches his composure and shoves it back in him before it can escape any further. He takes a deep breath and looks up at Crow.]

Ah... Yes... My apologies. I don't know what came over me.

[Well your lower half is at risk of being broken, so that's natural...]

... Well it could go in... so if we wait for you to... not be hard... you should be able to slip out.

[cawnviction]

[Crow's still in a lot of pain, his breath coming out in harsh gasps between bloodied, gritted teeth as he hunches over. Yeah, well, that could be a while, bud; the restricted bloodflow's gonna make it more difficult for him to lose his hard-on.

This was such an unbelievably bad idea.]

Maybe... more lube?

[Crow can't exactly. Reach the bottle on the floor though. This might need to involve some cooperative wiggling to get it.

The other option he can think of... wouldn't be a good idea at all.]

[intercalaryninja]

[So bad, he's so sorry. He'll never ask anyone for sex ever again, oh god this was terrible.]

. . . Give me a moment...

[He stretches one of his legs and rolls it over, closer. Luckily, his arms are now longer, three-segmented limbs, and he's able to scoop it up relatively easily.]

Here.

[cawnviction]

[Crow's breathing turns into upset, squeaky whale noises. His nerves in his crotch are so overloaded at this point that the pain's starting to shift into numb throbbing.

Taking the bottle from Tsukikage, Crow fumbles with it, applying a generous amount, only one step away from just upending the entire thing over both of them. Muttering--]

Should've stuck to fingers.

[Another experimental pull and... nothing. Though it may feel weird, given that the part of Crow that's inside Tsukikage is also curling and arching in ways that wouldn't be possible if he didn't have a prehensile penis.]