[NSFW] STUPID MONSTER SEXPOCALYPSES

[cawnviction]

HERE IS CROW, WHO YOU APPARENTLY WANT TO BANG FOR SOME REASON. WITH ALL YOUR ADDITIONAL APPENDAGES/POWERS, HOW WRONG CAN IT GO?

Also general gore warning on top of the NSFW warning because this is all about Bad Monster Ideas.

If you want to play it out monster sex going wrong, but not in a public manner, please post a blank comment and I'll screen it, which will cause the rest of the thread to be screened.


Things that have Gone Wrong (including threads in other peoples' museboxes):
- Crow getting his dick stuck in holes that are too small and rigid
- Crow literally breaking someone's ass
- Condoms and the equivalent of blood getting stuck inside Crow's genital slit
- Crow getting his mouth burned and ice cream stuck in the lower jaw of his whale mask
- Crow getting his tail burned
- Crow getting his dick ripped off (blowjobs going wrong in the worst way) before getting killed
- Crow killing someone via blowjob
- Crow getting a too hot dick up his ass

Comments

[engage_the_enemy]

[Hey, you can still fluff! Or smooth out any kinks in the barbs. Shulk can't really get to his tail feathers himself, it'd be nice.

Which is why he's disappointed when Crow removes his hands. That almost changes again, but oh, good. At least Crow's not going to accidentally poison him. He eyes those spines warily.

He's in the middle of judging them, stopping to look at Crow in surprise when he finally explains.]

...Oh. Sorry, I didn't know.

[Murder really is a mood killer.

Or it could be, but he won't let it! Instead, Shulk moves closer, putting a hand on Crow's knee.]

Um, that's okay though. Kisses don't have to be on the mouth.

[Which is totally an opening for some lewd joke, but Shulk punctuates his point by leaning forward to kiss the snout of Crow's mask.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow's arm fins are still all folded up. See? Nothing to worry about!

When Shulk leans forward, Crow rests a hand on the small of his back. Bleh, just on the snout? The mask isn't particularly sensitive.]

Only there?

[His other hand starts at Shulk's neck and runs down the length of Shulk's body, fingers sliding beneath feathers, before resting low on Shulk's abdomen. His fingers briefly dip below the waistline of Shulk's pants. Lucky for him that Shulk already runs around shirtless, isn't it?]

Got my hopes up for nothing!

[engage_the_enemy]

[That doesn't mean they can't unfurl and wreak havoc! Shulk won't be touching them on purpose, that much is certain.

And hey, he's learning! He nearly argues, but is stilled by the hand at his back and left speechless as Crow's other hand trail down his neck and along his torso. That sigh and shiver, however, probably give him away, though he clamps his mouth shut and shoves at Crow's chest with a hand. Rude!]

O-of course not! I'm just...getting started.

[Right.

Shulk inches closer, his cheek against Crow's mask as he presses a kiss to the mer's ear, then his jaw, before brushing his lips experimentally over the gills on Crow's neck. You know, for science.]

[cawnviction]

[Shulk's rude for pushing him away!

Crow lets him take the lead, breath hitching when Shulk kisses his ear. Lips over gills is a weird sensation, but Crow can't help the violent shiver running through his body when Shulk does it, heat pooling low in his body.

Still, Crow's not going to sit there like a dead fish. Carefully uncrossing his legs -- he wouldn't want to knee Shulk in unpleasant areas by accident! -- Crow curls a leg around one of Shulk's, trapping his foot and calf. With one hand still at the small of Shulk's back, the other rests on Shulk's neck before Crow decides to lightly tug on the long, blue headfeathers behind Shulk's ears.]

[engage_the_enemy]

[Crow started it!!

The harpy is close enough to feel that shudder wrack Crow's body, and the mer's not complaining, so it was...good? Great, he was worried about that! He'll have to remember that later, but for now, he keeps a hand braced on Crow's chest, trailing it down his ribs.

Content to keep kissing his way to the mer's collarbone but Crow's moving, and that hand is on his neck again and Shulk freezes. Oh no, trapped! He's totally expecting a stroke down his throat again too but nope, Crow goes for the feathers on his head.

Which feels way nicer than he anticipated, and he growls. A trilling noise, probably hilarious more than sultry, and he nips the junction where Crow's shoulder meets his neck in response.]

[cawnviction]

[Oh no. Crap, Crow's laughing -- birds, man! -- shoulders shaking in barely contained amusement at Shulk's trilling, but Shulk's bite changes that into a quiet hiss. Tongue briefly wetting his lips, Crow allows himself to fall back onto the bed.

His large tail pushes his hips up off the mattress, but that might not necessarily be a bad thing. Reaching for Shulk's lanyard, Crow wraps it around his hand pulls Shulk down.]

Do that again.

[His voice is insistent, demanding.]

crying at ur keywords 4ever

[engage_the_enemy]

[Shulk doesn't have the chance to be offended at the laughing, more surprised at how riled that got him. Should he apologize for biting? Even though his jaw isn't that strong and whoa, Crow's skin is tough. Akin to sinking his teeth into the sole of a fleshy shoe.

Instead, he's running his tongue over his teeth and watching Crow with interest because the mer doesn't seem bothered a bit. Yelping when Crow drags him by the lanyard. Uh?]

W-what, bite you? I...okay.

[Hey, if Crow's all for it, he'll oblige. He's got a hand braced on either side of Crow now, and boy, they're getting tangled. The tail thing just means Crow's hips are pressed more firmly against Shulk's. like laying on boner mountain

Dipping his head, he starts trailing bites down Crow's collarbone and chest. How convenient and thoughtful of Crow to have already removed his jacket, shirt, and unnecessary arm belt. Probably.]

:3c

[cawnviction]

[Oh yes, the jacket and shirt are off on the floor somewhere, but the arm belt? That stays on.

Crow arches under those bites, breathing rapidly increasing with every nip, a low groan breaking past his lips as his hips lift to rub briefly against Shulk's. His hands are tugging insistently at Shulk's shorts, pulling them down the harpy's hips and thighs as he tries to ignore the burgeoning tightness in his own pants, his tail curling.

These bites aren't enough for Crow. They're too half-hearted and wishy-washy. He wants Shulk to really sink his teeth in! His hands tightly grip Shulk's butt, blunt fingers digging in hard.]

Harder.

[If a whale could make bedroom eyes, Crow would be making them right now as he reaches down and palms Shulk's dick with one hand while the other tugs at Shulk's headfeathers.]

Are you a man or a chicken?

[engage_the_enemy]

[The harpy moans softly, feeling Crow move under him, and he tries to help with wiggling out of his own shorts but Crow can't reach that far, and Shulk himself doesn't want to stop everything just to take them off. So they're sort of just...bunched around his bird knees and oh, this must be what Crow feels like when his legs fuse together. Awkward. Please don't shove him off the bed to watch him flop around trying to get up, Crow.

And as far as he's concerned, Crow seems content, until the sudden intense butt-grab. Shulk nearly shouts because whoa, he felt that through all the fluff! The mer is relentless too, and the harpy snarls, a low warbling sound in his throat. He's half hard, though it may be hard to tell through the fluff around his bottle-brush dick. He speaks through gritted teeth, though he definitely doesn't sound angry.]

You want me to draw blood? [That's inevitable with sharp teeth, not to mention unsanitary! Maybe. He's gonna ignore the chicken comment. He won't rise to the bait!!] You'll wash these sheets then.

[He says, as if he's ever done the laundry in his life. He trails his lips back up to Crow's neck, and clamps down hard with his teeth, right under Crow's gills.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow smirks.]

There's gonna be more stains than just blood that'll need washing out.

[Ever since Crow had become a whale, it had come with the unfortunate side effect of being extremely... messy.

When Shulk bites down, Crow lets out an incoherent moan -- which comes out as a high pitched series of squeals and whale-like clicks -- eyes closing as he rides the whole body shiver resulting from the sensation of Shulk's teeth in his shoulder. Crow presses his body up against Shulk's, hands back up to dig into Shulk's shoulder blades as he rolls his hips, tail curling and sliding along one of Shulk's feathered legs.

Damn, Crow can feel the tightness in his pants and its damn near unbearable.

Ah, but there had been another reason Crow hand pulled down Shulk's pants besides the easier access to Shulk's penis; shorts around his knees are just as good as tying the harpy up as rope.

Wrapping his arms around Shulk and hooking a leg around the harpy's waist, Crow uses his other leg to push off from the mattress, intending to shove them over so their positions are reversed: Crow on top with Shulk underneath him.]

[engage_the_enemy]

[You bet Shulk wrinkles his nose at that comment. Is he going to need a shower after this then? Ugh, showers.

He's peppering the bite mark with kisses as Crow writhes underneath him, ears perking at the sound of clicks, trilling very softly in response. It's a bird thing. His eyes are half-lidded and he's in a dreamy sort of state just from doing this, and from Crow touching him.

As a result, he doesn't think much when Crow basically embraces him - the closer the better, right? - except hey, that's a leg, you're not a sloth Crow --

Shulk is rolled over flat on his back with an oof!, staring up at Crow in surprise. Wow, he forgot how heavy the mer is too, and grunts, wiggling a bit. Nope, definitely trapped. At least he had the decency to be a lightweight!]

...I'm starting to think you like playing rough.

[He'd turn this into a wrestling match, but he's more curious to see what Crow is planning. There's a reason he switched things up, isn't there?

Wow him, whaleman.]

[cawnviction]

[What is wrong with showers, does he like being smelly and stinky like Killua.

Crow watches Shulk squirm under him with a smirk, tail arcing behind him.]

You only got that now?

[Crow leans forward, whale snout rubbing up against Shulk's feathered neck, close enough for the harpy to feel every exhale through Crow's nostrils along his jaw. His voice is low.]

You should take off your shorts.

[Not that Crow's going to make it easy for Shulk to concentrate on that, when he's straddling Shulk's hips, one hand reaching behind him to wrap around Shulk's bottle brush dick and slowly stroke it, while the other hand is roaming Shulk's chest, fingertips trailing down ribs and muscle before sliding back up again.]

[engage_the_enemy]

[Hey, you try bathing when you're nothing but fluff. Talk about becoming a literal wet blanket.

Crow looks so smug up there though, Shulk huffs.]

Well, I wasn't going to assume you liked being rough all the time.

[He hasn't forgotten how much Crow likes punching, that's for sure.

As Crow talks, Shulk places his hands on the mer's hips. Stills when Crow leans close, shivering at the gusts of warm breath against his jaw. Crow's good at getting him to shut up, and he probably knows it too, jerk. Well, okay, he's still making noise. Gasps when Crow grabs him, moans low and lengthy as the mer's fingers stroke him. He arcs his back, pushing against the hand on his chest.

But oh, right. His shorts. He sort of kicks his legs ineffectually, and it's a definite effort, but he manages to get them around his ankles, curling his talons so they slip off with another kick. All that time he's basically bucking under Crow, for more reasons than that. And hey, wait, what about Crow's pants?

Biting his lip, Shulk reaches to tug at the mer's belt. He can undo it, and he'll go for the zipper too, but Crow's welcome to be mean and make it harder. In a manner of speaking.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow's grin only grows wilder watching Shulk totally lose it, the tightness in his pants growing with every buck of Shulk's hips.

Now why would he make it more difficult for Shulk to undo his pants? That's exactly what Crow wants. When Shulk eventually unzips his fly, Crow can't help but think, Finally.

Shulk's seen Crow naked before, when Crow's emerged from swimming in Lake Dala. There had never been anything between his legs before, as if he'd been neutered by his change into a mer.

But it's immediately obvious that's not actually the case, with Crow's dick -- narrow close to the tip, thick at the base -- sliding out from the long slit running between his legs. He's only half exposed, but it's already the length of the average penis. Sometimes Crow wishes he could go back to having a normal sized dick. But maybe there's something he can do with the increased length.

Crow lets go of Shulk's penis and leans over him, both hands on the mattress and framing Shulk's body. His half-hard dick brushes against the spines on Shulk's and he shivers in want.]

You brought condoms and lube, right?

[Becaws Crow sure didn't.]

[engage_the_enemy]

[As smug as Crow looks straddling him like this, Shulk can't complain about the mer taking control. He didn't waste any time, did he? So impatient!

And...goodness. Well, he wasn't sure what to expect when he undoes Crow's fly, but that's certainly something, isn't it? What's it like having internal genitalia, he has to wonder. Pretty convenient for walking around naked, which - okay no, there'd be nothing to hide morning wood. Please stick to pants, Crow.

Shulk thinks about reaching to grip it, stroke it, but Crow moves again, looming over him and he gazes up at the mer with pupils that are completely blown. Groans at the feeling of Crow's length against the sensitive tips of his own dick's spines. It's warm.

And...please hold, Crow's interrupted the moment. Shulk wrinkles his nose, trying to remember through his pleasant haze. Did he?]

Uh, I think so? [He gets up on his elbows to peer over the edge of the bed.] Either in my bag, or was it the drawer...?

[He flops on his back, frowning.] Do we really need it?

[Couldn't they just, he doesn't know, pass on it? Do it the old-fashioned Colony 9 way?

Please feel free to cuff him over the head, Crow.]

[cawnviction]

What the hell?

[Crow reaches over and flicks Shulk in the forehead.]

I know we're not girls, but that's no reason to be unsafe!

[Martha had taken great pains to make sure he remembers her safe sex lecture. Especially him, for some reason. He can still remember the way she'd twisted his ear when he'd complained about how putting rubber on his dick sounded stupid. The mental image of Martha chastising him is also totally not what he wanted to be thinking about right now! Unbeknowst to Crow, his penis retreats a short way back into his genital slit.

Nevertheless, Crow's rising off Shulk. But instead of getting off the bed like a normal person, he kneels on the edge of the bed and reaches for Shulk's bag, leaning as far forward as he can, meaning Shulk's getting a face full of tail.]

Martha is Watching

[engage_the_enemy]

[Gah! Thankfully Crow doesn't have his claws out, so the sting from that flick is short-lived. Shulk pouts.]

It was just a suggestion...

[Do monsters even have to worry about diseases? Wait, hey, they can't reproduce anyway! The fog god has your number, Crow. Speaking of Crow, what's he doing -- okay, that sure is a face full of tail Shulk's getting, a veritable fluke mustache. He grabs it, moving it away from his face and tugging on it for good measure because hey, that's not safe! Not to mention kind of lazy.]

Wouldn't it be easier to get up off the bed? You can take your pants off too while you're at it.

[It's an elegant solution, see?

Shulk's just going to lie here and watch unhelpfully. Does it feel weird walking around with an erection? He's not sure he wants to try. ]

nO

[cawnviction]

[Crow yelps when Shulk grabs his tail and pulls. Hey!! He knows what he's doing! Crow puffs his cheeks.]

Wasn't planning on taking them off.

[But fiiine, he sits his whale butt on the edge of the bed and undoes the rest of the zips along the side of his pants before wiggling out of his pants. After that, Crow reaches for Shulk's bag, rummages through it for the condoms and lube, pulling out two packets and the bottle.

And Shulk isn't even touching him while he's doing this? What a lazy ass. Crow throws one of the wrapped condoms at Shulk's face.]

You're gonna need one, too.

[And... looking down, Crow realises that in between taking off his pants and searching Shulk's bag and fumbling with the box of condoms, he's totally lost his erection, leaving him with only his genital slit visible. Great. Awesome.]

It's too late

[engage_the_enemy]

[ Shulk raises a brow at that, but says nothing. Crow's already taking his pants off, no need to remind him that he was the one talking about stains earlier. Unless he wanted to dirty his pants. Gross.

And nope, he's content to watch Crow undress completely - being an audience, as it were. Besides, Crow was busy!

The harpy splutters when he suddenly gets a condom to the face. Hey, that could have hit him in the eye! Unfortunately, being idle has left him looking a little floppy himself, and he frowns at the packet in his hand, gaze jumping between that and Crow's slit.]

Not going to do you a lot of good like that, is it?

[Shulk sits up, lips pursed as he scoots closer to Crow.

And well, his teeth worked before, right? If Crow doesn't object, the harpy will wrap winged arms around him and bury his face in the crook of Crow's neck, hands travelling along the mer's chest and abdomen. Condom set aside for now.

Those nips on Crow's neck turn into sharp bites once he's close to those sensitive gills. See, he's got it covered! And he's learning.]

[cawnviction]

[Crow doesn't object at all, somehow finding the presence of mind to shove the condom and lube in his hands aside before Shulk embraces him.

As Shulk touches him, Crow closes his eyes, leaning into it while his own hands run along Shulk's ribs. Crow can't help the loud, shuddering moans when Shulk bites him, breathing coming out in breathless pants as he arches, his dorsal spines flaring. He never knew exactly how damn good that would feel until now. He can't even keep his gaze focused.

Damn it, Shulk! He's totally derailing what Crow had in mind for him.

Grabbing Shulk's right hand with his left, Crow insistently maneouvres it down to his crotch, where his dick is slowly extending from the pleasure of Shulk's assault on his neck. Crow's own right hand curls around Shulk's penis and strokes him firmly, thumb rubbing at the tip with every pump of his fist.]

[engage_the_enemy]

[Whoa, he forgot those dorsal spines could move! Good thing it was more of a side-hug, he'd nearly made it a hug from behind. Dodged a bullet there.

And as far as biting goes, Shulk's gotten a bit enthusiastic about it. Sinking his teeth in and tugging at Crow's skin. Running his tongue over the marks. It gives him something to focus on since kissing was immediately thrown out as an option.

He grunts when Crow grabs his hand and ah, right. It takes a bit of palming, a finger tracing the slit, but eventually it's coaxed out enough that Shulk can properly wrap his hand around Crow's dick. Which takes way more focus than it normally would, as he moans low into Crow's shoulder, bucking his hips at every swipe of the mer's thumb over the tip of his own member. Oh yeah? He'll return the favor. See if you can concentrate when someone does that to you, Crow! Still, he smiles, pausing his bites.]

See, that wasn't so [Don't say hard--] difficult. [A gasp.] A-anything you had in mind now, or...?

[He's pretty happy with the state of affairs now, don't get him wrong.]

[cawnviction]

[Sorry, Shulk, but Crow knows how to multi-task. Even with Shulk touching him -- his near incoherent moaning interspersed with whale-like squeaking -- Crow never lets up on the movement of his hand on Shulk's shaft. Heat pools low in his body, and a yearning for something more than Shulk's hands on his dick grows stronger with every tug of his penis. By the time Shulk speaks, Crow's hard on is at its full length: slightly longer than the distance between the base of his crotch and his belly button.

Don't worry bird boy, Crow totally mentally replaced 'difficult' with 'hard', evidenced by his breathless snigger. With his free hand, Crow reaches for the condom and bottle of lube and tries to smack Shulk in the face with it. Or would've, if his aim hadn't been a little off thanks to Shulk's attention. Instead he kind of mushes the items into the side of Shulk's head before they slip from his hand into the mattress. He somehow manages to catch the lube before it rolls off the bed.]

I didn't go to the trouble of getting these out just so we can finish by jacking each other off!

[Jack... King... off. Great, now there's another mental image Crow doesn't want. Wincing and moving on quickly, Crow tightens his grip on Shulk and shoots him a lascivious smile.]

What are your thoughts on oral and anal at the same time?

[Is being completely direct about what he wants to do a turn on or a turn off?]

fortunately, Jack is NOT watching

[engage_the_enemy]

[That squeaking should be hilarious, but it just gets the harpy chirruping again. How can he laugh like this, when he's being just as weird?! The unfairness intensifies.

Shulk will cuff Crow on the arm for that laugh though. He knows what you're thinking!! It's a weak hit though, he's too busy moaning, and staring in wonder at Crow's dick. It just kept...going, and the length of it is impressive. He focuses the movements of his hand at the end, since he's not sure all of it is sensitive.

Aaaand his reverie is broken because Crow's shoving stuff in his face again, or trying to -- lube doesn't go in the ear, Crow!

Crow does have a point though.]

Yeah, it's just--

[He was trying to communicate here! Instead, Shulk chokes on his words, groaning loudly. He appreciates the mer's strong hands. Who knows if that smart mouth is just as good.

And it's not really a turn off - being direct is great! - but it does draw him out of that heady haze he'd been dropped into. Shulk strains to think, squinting his eye.]

T-that sounds...is it possible? I don't think either one of us is that flexible.

[He's picturing like, contortionist level stuff. Either way, someone's going to be scrunched kind of funny.]

but what if you say yusei IS

[cawnviction]

[Crow makes a 'tsk' sound at the back of his throat and lets go of Shulk's penis to jerk a thumb back at his chest.]

Nothing is impossible for Crow-sama!

[Besides, Crow knows he doesn't have to be that flexible to do Shulk in the ass and suck him off, and the fact he's short makes it a whole lot easier. Though the blowjob might be... tricky... with his face the way it is, but he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it!

Plucking up one of the condom packets -- where's the other one...? -- Crow tears it open before thrusting the rolled up rubber into Shulk's hands, practically forcing it into them. Leaning forward, Crow says, low and throaty in Shulk's ear--]

You should put that on me.

well then he's a surprise deviant

[engage_the_enemy]

[Wow Crow, you stop touching him just to pose and say that? Shulk doesn't give people flat looks often, but you're sure getting one right now.

"Crow-sama", more like boner killer. The two are practically synonymous!

Shulk squeaks in surprise when he's met with a handful of condom, whoa there. He's clutching it awkwardly when Crow speaks, the mer's breath warm against his ear, and okay, alright, that definitely puts the mood back where it should be. The harpy shivers, before nodding once.]

R-right.

[He looks down, gaze flicking up to Crow's face briefly, before he grips the mer's considerable length. Well, here goes nothing. There don't seem to be condoms made for monsters specifically, but fortunately, one size fits all, and the harpy rolls it down in a few strokes.]

Uh, does it feel okay?

[Is it possible to put a condom on wrong? He has no idea.]