cawnviction | [NSFW] STUPID MONSTER SEXPOCALYPSES

[NSFW] STUPID MONSTER SEXPOCALYPSES

HERE IS CROW, WHO YOU APPARENTLY WANT TO BANG FOR SOME REASON. WITH ALL YOUR ADDITIONAL APPENDAGES/POWERS, HOW WRONG CAN IT GO?

Also general gore warning on top of the NSFW warning because this is all about Bad Monster Ideas.

If you want to play it out monster sex going wrong, but not in a public manner, please post a blank comment and I'll screen it, which will cause the rest of the thread to be screened.

Things that have Gone Wrong (including threads in other peoples' museboxes):
- Crow getting his dick stuck in holes that are too small and rigid
- Crow literally breaking someone's ass
- Condoms and the equivalent of blood getting stuck inside Crow's genital slit
- Crow getting his mouth burned and ice cream stuck in the lower jaw of his whale mask
- Crow getting his tail burned
- Crow getting his dick ripped off (blowjobs going wrong in the worst way) before getting killed
- Crow killing someone via blowjob
- Crow getting a too hot dick up his ass

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[What is wrong with showers, does he like being smelly and stinky like Killua.

Crow watches Shulk squirm under him with a smirk, tail arcing behind him.]

You only got that now?

[Crow leans forward, whale snout rubbing up against Shulk's feathered neck, close enough for the harpy to feel every exhale through Crow's nostrils along his jaw. His voice is low.]

You should take off your shorts.

[Not that Crow's going to make it easy for Shulk to concentrate on that, when he's straddling Shulk's hips, one hand reaching behind him to wrap around Shulk's bottle brush dick and slowly stroke it, while the other hand is roaming Shulk's chest, fingertips trailing down ribs and muscle before sliding back up again.]

[Hey, you try bathing when you're nothing but fluff. Talk about becoming a literal wet blanket.

Crow looks so smug up there though, Shulk huffs.]

Well, I wasn't going to assume you liked being rough all the time.

[He hasn't forgotten how much Crow likes punching, that's for sure.

As Crow talks, Shulk places his hands on the mer's hips. Stills when Crow leans close, shivering at the gusts of warm breath against his jaw. Crow's good at getting him to shut up, and he probably knows it too, jerk. Well, okay, he's still making noise. Gasps when Crow grabs him, moans low and lengthy as the mer's fingers stroke him. He arcs his back, pushing against the hand on his chest.

But oh, right. His shorts. He sort of kicks his legs ineffectually, and it's a definite effort, but he manages to get them around his ankles, curling his talons so they slip off with another kick. All that time he's basically bucking under Crow, for more reasons than that. And hey, wait, what about Crow's pants?

Biting his lip, Shulk reaches to tug at the mer's belt. He can undo it, and he'll go for the zipper too, but Crow's welcome to be mean and make it harder. In a manner of speaking.]

[Crow's grin only grows wilder watching Shulk totally lose it, the tightness in his pants growing with every buck of Shulk's hips.

Now why would he make it more difficult for Shulk to undo his pants? That's exactly what Crow wants. When Shulk eventually unzips his fly, Crow can't help but think, Finally.

Shulk's seen Crow naked before, when Crow's emerged from swimming in Lake Dala. There had never been anything between his legs before, as if he'd been neutered by his change into a mer.

But it's immediately obvious that's not actually the case, with Crow's dick -- narrow close to the tip, thick at the base -- sliding out from the long slit running between his legs. He's only half exposed, but it's already the length of the average penis. Sometimes Crow wishes he could go back to having a normal sized dick. But maybe there's something he can do with the increased length.

Crow lets go of Shulk's penis and leans over him, both hands on the mattress and framing Shulk's body. His half-hard dick brushes against the spines on Shulk's and he shivers in want.]

You brought condoms and lube, right?

[Becaws Crow sure didn't.]

[As smug as Crow looks straddling him like this, Shulk can't complain about the mer taking control. He didn't waste any time, did he? So impatient!

And...goodness. Well, he wasn't sure what to expect when he undoes Crow's fly, but that's certainly something, isn't it? What's it like having internal genitalia, he has to wonder. Pretty convenient for walking around naked, which - okay no, there'd be nothing to hide morning wood. Please stick to pants, Crow.

Shulk thinks about reaching to grip it, stroke it, but Crow moves again, looming over him and he gazes up at the mer with pupils that are completely blown. Groans at the feeling of Crow's length against the sensitive tips of his own dick's spines. It's warm.

And...please hold, Crow's interrupted the moment. Shulk wrinkles his nose, trying to remember through his pleasant haze. Did he?]

Uh, I think so? [He gets up on his elbows to peer over the edge of the bed.] Either in my bag, or was it the drawer...?

[He flops on his back, frowning.] Do we really need it?

[Couldn't they just, he doesn't know, pass on it? Do it the old-fashioned Colony 9 way?

Please feel free to cuff him over the head, Crow.]

What the hell?

[Crow reaches over and flicks Shulk in the forehead.]

I know we're not girls, but that's no reason to be unsafe!

[Martha had taken great pains to make sure he remembers her safe sex lecture. Especially him, for some reason. He can still remember the way she'd twisted his ear when he'd complained about how putting rubber on his dick sounded stupid. The mental image of Martha chastising him is also totally not what he wanted to be thinking about right now! Unbeknowst to Crow, his penis retreats a short way back into his genital slit.

Nevertheless, Crow's rising off Shulk. But instead of getting off the bed like a normal person, he kneels on the edge of the bed and reaches for Shulk's bag, leaning as far forward as he can, meaning Shulk's getting a face full of tail.]

[Gah! Thankfully Crow doesn't have his claws out, so the sting from that flick is short-lived. Shulk pouts.]

It was just a suggestion...

[Do monsters even have to worry about diseases? Wait, hey, they can't reproduce anyway! The fog god has your number, Crow. Speaking of Crow, what's he doing -- okay, that sure is a face full of tail Shulk's getting, a veritable fluke mustache. He grabs it, moving it away from his face and tugging on it for good measure because hey, that's not safe! Not to mention kind of lazy.]

Wouldn't it be easier to get up off the bed? You can take your pants off too while you're at it.

[It's an elegant solution, see?

Shulk's just going to lie here and watch unhelpfully. Does it feel weird walking around with an erection? He's not sure he wants to try. ]

[Crow yelps when Shulk grabs his tail and pulls. Hey!! He knows what he's doing! Crow puffs his cheeks.]

Wasn't planning on taking them off.

[But fiiine, he sits his whale butt on the edge of the bed and undoes the rest of the zips along the side of his pants before wiggling out of his pants. After that, Crow reaches for Shulk's bag, rummages through it for the condoms and lube, pulling out two packets and the bottle.

And Shulk isn't even touching him while he's doing this? What a lazy ass. Crow throws one of the wrapped condoms at Shulk's face.]

You're gonna need one, too.

[And... looking down, Crow realises that in between taking off his pants and searching Shulk's bag and fumbling with the box of condoms, he's totally lost his erection, leaving him with only his genital slit visible. Great. Awesome.]

[ Shulk raises a brow at that, but says nothing. Crow's already taking his pants off, no need to remind him that he was the one talking about stains earlier. Unless he wanted to dirty his pants. Gross.

And nope, he's content to watch Crow undress completely - being an audience, as it were. Besides, Crow was busy!

The harpy splutters when he suddenly gets a condom to the face. Hey, that could have hit him in the eye! Unfortunately, being idle has left him looking a little floppy himself, and he frowns at the packet in his hand, gaze jumping between that and Crow's slit.]

Not going to do you a lot of good like that, is it?

[Shulk sits up, lips pursed as he scoots closer to Crow.

And well, his teeth worked before, right? If Crow doesn't object, the harpy will wrap winged arms around him and bury his face in the crook of Crow's neck, hands travelling along the mer's chest and abdomen. Condom set aside for now.

Those nips on Crow's neck turn into sharp bites once he's close to those sensitive gills. See, he's got it covered! And he's learning.]

[Crow doesn't object at all, somehow finding the presence of mind to shove the condom and lube in his hands aside before Shulk embraces him.

As Shulk touches him, Crow closes his eyes, leaning into it while his own hands run along Shulk's ribs. Crow can't help the loud, shuddering moans when Shulk bites him, breathing coming out in breathless pants as he arches, his dorsal spines flaring. He never knew exactly how damn good that would feel until now. He can't even keep his gaze focused.

Damn it, Shulk! He's totally derailing what Crow had in mind for him.

Grabbing Shulk's right hand with his left, Crow insistently maneouvres it down to his crotch, where his dick is slowly extending from the pleasure of Shulk's assault on his neck. Crow's own right hand curls around Shulk's penis and strokes him firmly, thumb rubbing at the tip with every pump of his fist.]

[Whoa, he forgot those dorsal spines could move! Good thing it was more of a side-hug, he'd nearly made it a hug from behind. Dodged a bullet there.

And as far as biting goes, Shulk's gotten a bit enthusiastic about it. Sinking his teeth in and tugging at Crow's skin. Running his tongue over the marks. It gives him something to focus on since kissing was immediately thrown out as an option.

He grunts when Crow grabs his hand and ah, right. It takes a bit of palming, a finger tracing the slit, but eventually it's coaxed out enough that Shulk can properly wrap his hand around Crow's dick. Which takes way more focus than it normally would, as he moans low into Crow's shoulder, bucking his hips at every swipe of the mer's thumb over the tip of his own member. Oh yeah? He'll return the favor. See if you can concentrate when someone does that to you, Crow! Still, he smiles, pausing his bites.]

See, that wasn't so [Don't say hard--] difficult. [A gasp.] A-anything you had in mind now, or...?

[He's pretty happy with the state of affairs now, don't get him wrong.]

[Sorry, Shulk, but Crow knows how to multi-task. Even with Shulk touching him -- his near incoherent moaning interspersed with whale-like squeaking -- Crow never lets up on the movement of his hand on Shulk's shaft. Heat pools low in his body, and a yearning for something more than Shulk's hands on his dick grows stronger with every tug of his penis. By the time Shulk speaks, Crow's hard on is at its full length: slightly longer than the distance between the base of his crotch and his belly button.

Don't worry bird boy, Crow totally mentally replaced 'difficult' with 'hard', evidenced by his breathless snigger. With his free hand, Crow reaches for the condom and bottle of lube and tries to smack Shulk in the face with it. Or would've, if his aim hadn't been a little off thanks to Shulk's attention. Instead he kind of mushes the items into the side of Shulk's head before they slip from his hand into the mattress. He somehow manages to catch the lube before it rolls off the bed.]

I didn't go to the trouble of getting these out just so we can finish by jacking each other off!

[Jack... King... off. Great, now there's another mental image Crow doesn't want. Wincing and moving on quickly, Crow tightens his grip on Shulk and shoots him a lascivious smile.]

What are your thoughts on oral and anal at the same time?

[Is being completely direct about what he wants to do a turn on or a turn off?]

Edited (Word choice tweak) 2016-02-15 22:56 (UTC)

[That squeaking should be hilarious, but it just gets the harpy chirruping again. How can he laugh like this, when he's being just as weird?! The unfairness intensifies.

Shulk will cuff Crow on the arm for that laugh though. He knows what you're thinking!! It's a weak hit though, he's too busy moaning, and staring in wonder at Crow's dick. It just kept...going, and the length of it is impressive. He focuses the movements of his hand at the end, since he's not sure all of it is sensitive.

Aaaand his reverie is broken because Crow's shoving stuff in his face again, or trying to -- lube doesn't go in the ear, Crow!

Crow does have a point though.]

Yeah, it's just--

[He was trying to communicate here! Instead, Shulk chokes on his words, groaning loudly. He appreciates the mer's strong hands. Who knows if that smart mouth is just as good.

And it's not really a turn off - being direct is great! - but it does draw him out of that heady haze he'd been dropped into. Shulk strains to think, squinting his eye.]

T-that sounds...is it possible? I don't think either one of us is that flexible.

[He's picturing like, contortionist level stuff. Either way, someone's going to be scrunched kind of funny.]

[Crow makes a 'tsk' sound at the back of his throat and lets go of Shulk's penis to jerk a thumb back at his chest.]

Nothing is impossible for Crow-sama!

[Besides, Crow knows he doesn't have to be that flexible to do Shulk in the ass and suck him off, and the fact he's short makes it a whole lot easier. Though the blowjob might be... tricky... with his face the way it is, but he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it!

Plucking up one of the condom packets -- where's the other one...? -- Crow tears it open before thrusting the rolled up rubber into Shulk's hands, practically forcing it into them. Leaning forward, Crow says, low and throaty in Shulk's ear--]

You should put that on me.

[Wow Crow, you stop touching him just to pose and say that? Shulk doesn't give people flat looks often, but you're sure getting one right now.

"Crow-sama", more like boner killer. The two are practically synonymous!

Shulk squeaks in surprise when he's met with a handful of condom, whoa there. He's clutching it awkwardly when Crow speaks, the mer's breath warm against his ear, and okay, alright, that definitely puts the mood back where it should be. The harpy shivers, before nodding once.]

R-right.

[He looks down, gaze flicking up to Crow's face briefly, before he grips the mer's considerable length. Well, here goes nothing. There don't seem to be condoms made for monsters specifically, but fortunately, one size fits all, and the harpy rolls it down in a few strokes.]

Uh, does it feel okay?

[Is it possible to put a condom on wrong? He has no idea.]

[Shulk, you don't even know what -sama means!

Crow watches Shulk's attempt at putting on a condom, before sighing.]

You haven't done this before, have you? You're supposed pinch the tip while you roll it on.

[Crow pulls off the condom and... well it's kind of... eh... using the same condom for attempt number 2, so he discards it. Really they should've been doing this earlier, but at least he remembered, that counts for something, right? Gaze searching for the second condom that had been lost on the bed, Crow manages to fish it out from under Shulk's thigh.]

Try again.

[He doesn't need to know exactly what it means to know that it's really lame. So uncool, Crow.

Also wow, you just sit there and watch him fail? No intervention to stop the wasteful use of a condom? For shame.

Shulk runs a hand through his hair, looking embarrassed. He's done it before, okay! But this means he's been doing it wrong. Oops. This is what you get for sleeping with a yokel everybody. He suppresses a laugh when Crow goes rummaging around under his thigh too - hey, that tickles - before accepting attempt number two.

This time, he looks for Crow's approval the whole way through, glancing up step by step.]

Like...that?

[Is your whale dong properly contained, sir.]

[His whale dong is properly contained! Well. Mostly. Humans just don't make condoms for dongs this long. Crow gives Shulk and approving nod, his hand lightly stroking Shulk's cock briefly before he glances over the side of the bed for the bag with the condoms.]

We're gonna need one for you, too.

[Then it's not properly contained!! But, well, no human or monster is made to take a dong that long either, in one place or another. Gotta work with what you have.

Shulk's breath shudders, the light touch not what he expected from Crow, and it takes him a moment to register what Crow said, and a bit longer to answer. The harpy wrinkles his nose.]

It's more trouble than it's worth, trust me. [He gestures to...himself.] Besides, I don't want to waste our efforts.

[They already had to revive the mood once! For emphasis, Shulk tries to catch Crow's eye, gripping the mer's length, pumping it. Why pay attention to ethics when you can pay attention to him?]

[Fffffuck, since when has Shulk been the forward one? That grip is tight. Ngh. Crow's words come out shaking, half hearted, his gaze reluctantly leaving the bag and going to Shulk's eyes.]

I was-- [Goddamn it Shulk stop doing that but keep going] --taught...

[He trails off with a quiet moan. Crow, being a stickler for "rules"? Say it isn't so! It looks like Crow needs a little more convincing.]

[Since his dick started driving his actions and not his brain, that's when. Which as anyone knows, the moment logic leaves the wheel, regrets are sure to follow.

Shulk wets his lip, biting back a smile. Wow, this might be the most convincing argument he's used against Crow, and he doesn't need to say a thing! Instead, he hums in acknowledgment. He's listening, really.

He's just going to lean forward, stroking Crow more insistently as he lets out a gust of warm breath over Crow's gills, before brushing his lips over them. Not enough? He'll try nipping at them to really drive his point home.]

[Crow can't help the shiver and loud groan. God, Shulk, what an ass! Frustrated and sinfully aroused, Crow shoves Shulk back down onto the bed and pins him, a hand grasping for the bottle of lube and holding it up so Shulk can clearly see it.]

Fine. [Crow flicks the lid of the bottle open.] But if I get anything weird, I'm blaming you.

[Slicking his fingers -- looking down at Shulk's feathery ass, putting some on the guy seems like an endeavour rife with uselessness -- Crow feels around, trying to find Shulk's entrance under all those damn feathers. Oh wait, there's a small dip...

Crow pushes a finger in, curling it and stroking, thumb pushing down hard and rubbing on the outside.]

[Him, an ass? Nah, never. Perish the thought.

Shulk grunts when he's shoved and pinned, blinking. Wow, that was effective, wasn't it? For once, he's the one with a cheeky smile.]

I'm clean, promise.

[As far as he knows, anyway. It's not like he sleeps around that often!

The harpy takes to watching Crow work, helpfully spreading his legs and lifting his hips, heart speeding up in anticipation. It tickles, and he wiggles a bit, freezing when Crow finds what he's looking for on his feathery butt adventure. Shulk groans. The lube is cool initially, but it warms up quickly as Crow strokes him inside and out, and any further commentary out of his mouth is reduced to moans.

It's not long before he's bucking against the mer's hand insistently. Don't go easy on him, Crow!!]

[Crow has absolutely no intention of going easy on Shulk. Shulk was the one who's thirsty for whale dick so Crow'll give it to him! Up his feathery asshole!!

While Crow continues to stroke Shulk with the finger that's in him, Crow squeezes lube onto his cock with his free hand. It's a little clumsier than if he was using both hands, but it gets the job done. Putting the bottle away, Crow uses his free hand and runs it along his penis, making sure the lube spread evenly, before withdrawing his finger from Shulk but keeping it pressed against Shulk's entrance.

Crow grins, showing off all his teeth.]

I'm diving in.

[So soon? Well that's what Shulk gets for making him so frustrated. Using his finger to guide him, Crow presses the narrow head of his dick to Shulk's entrance before pushing himself inside, eyes on Shulk the entire time. The comparatively narrow tip of his penis makes it easy, but as he slowly plunges in deeper, Crow's girth becomes larger the closer his crotch comes to meeting Shulk's butt gets.

Butt Crow can't fit himself all the way in -- he's simply too long for that -- to bury all of himself in, though Crow goes as far as he can before he pauses, watching Shulk's reaction when Crow moves inside him. The joys of a prehensile penis.]

[For once, Crow and Shulk are on the same page. Show him what you're made of, Crow!!

The harpy whimpers at the attention, and it may have just been one finger but he already feels emptier for it when Crow pulls away. Pulls away to make a dumb joke, of all things! He'd give Crow a petulant look in return to that grin, if he weren't suddenly sucking in a breath when he feels that tip pressed against him.

It's not that different from the mer's finger, at first, sliding in easily enough. At least with its shape, he's gradually stretched, and his eyelids flutter at the sensation. The harpy bites his lip for good measure too. He gasps, mouth falling open when Crow finally comes to a stop. Oh, geez, has he been holding his breath the whole time? Talk about being tense. He pants a bit, trying to relax, but then Crow has to go and do that!

Shulk yelps, nearly sits up, back arching in surprise. Whoa! Seriously, that's just evil. And too powerful for its own good, because as weird as it is, it puts pressure on something, pressure that feels really nice.]

A-a-are you doing that on purpose...?

[Look, you've got him stuttering.]

[Crow grins, leaning over Shulk and doing it again just for good measure, breathing in Shulk's ear--]

Nope. It's a complete accident.

[Blatant lies. But it's a good distraction while he shifts his position back down, hands framing Shulk's hips. It seems easier to work out how to go down on Shulk with a face like his before he starts thrusting, so while he wriggles and curls his cock inside Shulk, Crow lowers his head over the harpy's crotch.

Turning to avoid his mask's teeth from cutting into Shulk, Crow experimentally runs the side of his tongue along the base of Shulk's dick, flicking it against every barb he encounters along the way.]

here lies Shulk, i say preemptively

engage_the_enemy - 2016-03-01 07:13 (UTC) - Expand

now you're just blowing your load too soon

cawnviction - 2016-03-01 13:22 (UTC) - Expand

the clinical term is premature ejaculation

engage_the_enemy - 2016-03-02 08:51 (UTC) - Expand

i think you mean "no sexual stamina"

cawnviction - 2016-03-02 11:37 (UTC) - Expand

thats the synonym

engage_the_enemy - 2016-03-03 00:56 (UTC) - Expand

i guess he's no longer schrodinger's shulk after this

cawnviction - 2016-03-13 14:33 (UTC) - Expand

nah he's always in various states of being dead or alive, its his thing

engage_the_enemy - 2016-03-15 08:23 (UTC) - Expand

well now he's EXTREMELY dead

cawnviction - 2016-04-09 14:08 (UTC) - Expand

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only